


A Plan

by Ptolemia



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: F/F, Other, and some slightly crude jokes (courtesy of yours truly), rated teen for swearing (courtesy of polly perks)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 12:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3809833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ptolemia/pseuds/Ptolemia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>About three things Polly was absolutely positive. First, being romantically interested in a vampire was incredibly cliché and therefore highly embarrassing. Second, knowledge of the first thing was apparently not enough to stop oneself from ending up being interested in any case. And third, as an unfortunate (but in hindsight not entirely surprising) development of the first two points, she had somehow managed to develop a great big stupid ridiculous crush on Mal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Set pretty soon after then end of the book. My first fic for this pairing - my first Discworld fic, actually, would you believe it! I'm still trying to get the tone just right, so we'll see where this goes. I might carry this fic on, or start with something else, but either way I'm determined to have more Polly/Mal in my life...
> 
> I would also like to take this opportunity to formally apologise for the Twilight joke. I just... I saw my chance and I had to.

About three things Polly was absolutely positive. First, being romantically interested in a vampire was incredibly cliché and therefore highly embarrassing.1 Second, knowledge of the first thing was apparently not enough to stop oneself from ending up being interested in any case. And third, as an unfortunate (but in hindsight not entirely surprising) development of the first two points, she had somehow managed to develop a great big stupid  _ridiculous_ crush on Mal. Which, in Polly's opinion at least, just went to show that no matter how heroic and clever you may be in matters of war and diplomacy and other such impressive things, you are still perfectly capable of being, essentially, a complete idiot.

 

All of which was regrettable, probably, but Polly wasn't in the business of feeling sorry for herself. This was because she was, at present, in the business of attempting to woo Mal. Or perhaps in the business of attempting to work out how to woo Mal. Or attempting to work out how to attempt to work out how to-

“Glad to see you're keeping busy,” said Mal, who was suddenly and unexpectedly (and rather fetchingly) slouched up against a tree not three paces away from where Polly was sitting.

Polly jumped, almost fell into the campfire, and made a noise which sounded a lot like “AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGggghhfuck.”

Mal raised an eyebrow. “Terribly sorry, but I rather like to think that I'm not _quite_ that easy. You'll have to buy me dinner first, at the very least.”

“!!!!!!” said Polly.2

“Any particular reason you're pulling that face at me, Parts?”

“Perks!”

“Again, I'm flattered, but-”

Polly snorted, brain finally clicking back into a gear where it could do something other than scream quietly at itself. “That's not even a proper innuendo, Mal.”

Mal muttered something which sounded a lot like “In _your_ endo,” but couldn't possibly have been, because vampires are suave and tasteful and never ever make really awful jokes under their breath when they think nobody can hear them.

“And that's not what I meant, anyway,” grumbled Polly.

“What's not what you meant?”

“I mean I didn't mean the... I mean when I said, uh, the thing, and then you said the thing about dinner, and, uh...”

“Oh, the thing about fucking me,” said Mal, with a yawn. She ruffled a hand lazily through her hair and smirked.

“Er,” said Polly, in a totally normal and definitely not in any way squeaky tone of voice, “Yes.”

Mal chuckled. “I'm fully aware that an exclamation of shock and an invitation to engage in activities of an energetic yet intimate nature are, in fact, very different things, even if the wording is remarkably similar. Identical, even. Isn't language wonderful?”

“I, uh... yes. Marvellous.”

“But I digress. I was attempting to lead up to a suggestion about dinner.”

“Dinner?”

“Yes, dinner.”

“Dinner? As in-”

Mal rolled her eyes. “As in I've been helping set up camp for the past half hour and I do distinctly remember you promising to get started with the cooking.”

“Oh! Dinner, right, yes, I was just...” Polly looked down at the campfire. “Um.”

“Staring blankly at the fire?” volunteered Mal.

“Right. Yep. Sorry about that. I'll go and – dinner! Right. There's some horse in one of the packs. And I seem to remember that we have some beef. Something that looks like beef, anyway. I'll just boil it and hope...”

 

Polly stood, and started off in the direction of the tents, where she could make out the shapes of several recruits still struggling to erect the last of the shelters.

As she passed Mal, the vampire shot a hand out and grabbed her by the arm, brow wrinkled in what might have been concern - or perhaps just discomfort at being forced to do something as horrifically uncool as ask about the welfare of another person. “Polly, are you feeling alright? You seem a little-”

Polly tugged her arm free and carried on toward the tents, calling back over her shoulder as she went. “I'm fine! Yep, absolutely-”

At which point she tripped over a guide rope and went tumbling into a ditch, bringing a tent and two startled recruits with her.

 

She lay there for a moment, legs tangled in a swath of canvas, face in the dirt, feeling distinctly sorry for herself. And then she sighed, got up, and brushed down her uniform briskly with a nod at the recruits, who were both still wrapped up in the tent and looking extremely confused.

“At ease,” said Polly, in the most professional military tones she could muster. Then she turned toward the camp-fire and shouted, “FINE. ABSOLUTELY FINE,” at the distant and very graceful silhouette of one rather confused vampire.

 

And then she turned, smartly, and marched off to her pack to start organising dinner. She was beginning to get the distinct feeling that she had bitten off more than she could chew.3 What this called for, Polly thought, was a Plan - the sort with a capital letter in front...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1Also likely to get you eaten, but Polly wasn't unduly concerned about this – quite the opposite, indeed. The reader can make of that what they will.

2Which is pronounced by making a very surprised face and then wheezing slightly while starting at an extremely attractive vampire.

3There was definitely a vampire joke to be made there, but Polly was a sensitive and thoughtful leader of her men (and... not men), who would never stoop to making cheap cracks at people on the grounds of their species. Ever. Even if they were being really annoying and smug and kept beating her at Thud. And cards. And at 'looking great despite their hair being all over the place' (which technically wasn't a game but somehow Polly was still definitely managing to lose at it).

 


End file.
